all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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