I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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