I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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