Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
