oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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