I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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