I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
