He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
