im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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