nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
