On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
