My cat gives me a boner
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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