i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
