I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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