good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
