I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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