i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
