I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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