Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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