Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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