The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
did you just send me my own nude
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
