how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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