So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
