you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
