if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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