i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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