My Higher Power is John Stamos
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
