What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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