this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
