how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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