Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
