I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
