Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
