she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
