She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
