remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ladies don't puke and tell
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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