Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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