You smell like a Billy Joel song
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
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I think I have vodka in my lungs
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
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I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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