You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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