Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
