you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
