I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
