My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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