Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
