You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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