Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
