Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
