I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
