I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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