there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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