a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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