1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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