I'm lost and stupid without you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize