We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Pooping to opera.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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