listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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